As always, I want to make it very clear that I do not give advice. I reiterate that I am in no manner qualified or certified to dispense advice. And even if I were I would find it a foolhardy prospect. It's my belief that few people are sincerely seeking advice. In fact, 98% of the time they have already decided upon a course of action, how they're going to handle any given situation. When they present the dilemma to you, they are not seeking advice so much as hoping to garner your validation and possibly even support in executing their plan. But, when it comes to rejection, I feel that I have enough experience to be somewhat of an authority, so I feel confident in sharing. So, when somebody asks me "advice" on something, I make it quite clear that I am only sharing my own experience in a similar manner, how I handled the situation and in retrospect if I feel my coarse of action was well chosen, regardless of the outcome. Hell, I have made terrible choices which had disastrous results at the time, but that have gone on to have a glorious overall outcome. So, I present the following dilemma that was presented to me by a lovely young man earlier today.
I happened upon the photo and profile of what I found to be a particularly attractive 30yo man on a hookup site. His profile specified that he was " into muscular/in shape men, 27-45yo." I was quite taken with his good looks and wanted to express my admiration. But, I prefaced my comments with a disclaimer, assuring him that I was well aware that I exceeded his age range, and that I simply wanted to compliment him on his lovely body.
He was kind enough to respond and thank me for my compliment. He then sent me a second response as I've included below.
"Can I ask u something since u r older than me ! I know I'm not a bad looking guy n am not cocky bout anything! Why is it that I still have so many rejection ? N sometime I really don't get it."
He then followed this up by an apology.
"Please. Never mind my stupid question."
Note: I am printing this verbatim out of respect for the gentleman's intent and integrity. I will not take it upon myself to "clean up" his English by changing syntax, grammar or use of abbreviations. I also hope that you the reader will respect him for his pure intent and not mock his manner of communication. I have nothing but the utmost respect for any person who has to attempt to tackle English as a second language.
OK, first of all handsome, no apology necessary, and as they say; "there are no stupid questions," and for the most part I'll agree with that statement.
But, it do believe that we often ask questions that are framed rather inaccurately, or in a deceptive or duplicitous manner i.e. We pose the question in a way that we hope will bring a desired response, a response that alleviates us having any personal responsibility in the matter at hand, particularly if that matter is our own self-perceived persecution.
Now, I was hardly put out by this lovely young man's reference to my status as elder, or what I suppose may be his assumption that I may somehow be privy to a panacea of his professed plight. In fact, I entered this dialogue by acknowledging my position of being an old fart and also assuring him that I was aware that I was in over the hill in his eyes. (Of course like any lecherous old goat, I was hoping that he would see me as some great exception to his rules of attraction and welcome me with open arms and spread legs.)
But, I digress. The issue here lies in the accuracy of his question regarding the reason that he faces so much rejection.See, first I must ask: "Are you in fact taking the opportunity to reach out to the muscular and in-shape 27-45yo men that are the object of your desire, and thus facing subsequent rejection, or is it more accurate to say that you're waiting for these muscular/in shape 27-45yo men to reach out and approach you, and that you're viewing their failure to do so as rejection?
You accompany your profile with a few photos that reveal the fact that you are quite lean, have six pack abs and a well-defined torso. But you also wear a rather foreboding expression on your extremely handsome face, one photo even sporting a pair of dark aviator glasses. You're 30yo, 5'6" and 140lbs, and yes, you appear quite muscular and defined, but the body of a 30yo, 5'6", 140 lb. man leaves little margin for error provided he's not suffering from severe scoliosis and is neither missing or displaying any extra limbs. At the same time, here I am at 57yo, 5'6" and nearly 200 lbs, and there are men out there that consider me to be muscular, yet I have no six-pack nor the ripped definition of a man nearly half my age and considerably leaner, and also in fact have mild scoliosis, which to my advantage gives me the bubble butt of a man your age.
Now, I admittedly approached you in a rather contrived and duplicitous manner so as to alleviate any chance of rejection, but I did take the risk to reach out to approach you, and to your credit you responded. But, are you doing the same? Are you reaching out to approach the men that you find attractive and even giving them the opportunity to express their desire for you, or lack thereof? Also, are you exerting the effort to respond to men that you may have no interest in that do not approach you in a self-precluding manner like my own?
We must be willing to take responsibility for the fact that when we present ourselves, be it online or in real time, we are in fact presenting a whole package. While we may be blessed with what may be judged as a strikingly handsome face and the body of an Adonis, but we must realize that our words, our facial expression, our stance, our manner of dress.. All of these factors reflect our Attitude, our sense of Approachability and Acceptance of self and others, our perceived Adaptability, these are all a part of our APPEARANCE.
I personally faced decades of rejection, but when I look back on it, I have to admit that there were men that were interested in me, I just didn't see them as being "my type" this somehow seeing their attempts to reach out to me as being of little or no value. As I did not find them attractive, I had little or no value for their opinion of me, my overblown ego rendering their flattery little more than an insult and thus a form of rejection. I was being covertly passive/aggressive and totally unaware of it. In fact my incredibly fragile self-esteem or lack thereof was further marginalized by their flattery, while the men deemed worthy, the men that I so desperately desired never made no attempts to approach me at all, and rebuffed the few approaches that I dared to make. Can you blame them? What sort of energy must I have been presenting to the world?
It's certainly your right and wisely prudent to have boundaries in regards of whom you choose as friends, so it only figures that you should have equal say when choosing a prospective mate, or even just sexual partners. But keep in mind, what you are looking for. If you are in fact simply seeking a partner for casual sexual encounters and not a buddy or romantic companion to accompany you on a ski vacation, or wine sampling tour of the Loire Valley or wherever one goes to drink French wine. I personally loathe snow, hate to travel, don't speak French and don't touch alcohol, but I'd never allow that to prevent me from fucking a guy that enjoys those things. Hell, I can even muster up enough diplomacy to ask a few questions in regards to his adventures and feign interest convincingly enough to get in his pants.
Learn to take risks, be adaptable. Learn to express your desires without marginalizing and ostracizing others based on their race, age, body type. Hell, that old fat man may not be the man for you, but your smile and warm greeting may encourage him to refer you to his stunning trainer.
I myself become more approachable when I make an attempt to reach out and approach others. Look around you. Take note of that stunning man that's leaning against the wall there at the corner of Castro & 18th St. He's been leaning there looking pretty and aloof all day. Most of us would kill to garner even a fraction of the attention and admiration he has generated in an hour. But, notice that nobody approaches him, his look and demeanor have precluded the chance that he may reciprocate. Meanwhile, dozens of people have made eye contact, struck up a conversation, developed a rapport, made a new friend, made a date, or even when home and fucked their brains out, leaving that stunning man with little more than some UV rays to take home with him.
While we're all seeking to develop as stronger physical core, we may want to also focus on our core values. I could certainly benefit by adding a couple more abdominal workouts to my routine, but some work on my attitude may serve me better in the long run.
Now, please do not assume that I think making a connection either platonic or carnal is the only purpose of life. It may behoove all of us to take a few hours and lean against a building, hidden behind dark glasses and a scowl even. It is in a sense one more way of being invisible, of allowing us to observe and reflect. But we must learn to observe without judgment, and create lives that we can reflect on, without rancor or regret.