And it's all Cameron Diaz's fault.
Gentlemen,sometime before you hit the age of 50, it's wise to have a list of available places to piss, particularly if you take a diuretic to control your blood pressure…
For decades we've been aware that women hit a certain age and can expect to grow chin whiskers and experience dryness yet still be prone to leaking and spotting "down there" But, nobody has much to say about the physiological changes a large percentage of us men are left to cope with.
Cameron Diaz has
published a book of her "beauty secrets" It's about living healthier
or some such bullshit. Anyway, she
recommends that as soon as you get up in the morning that you chug a liter of
room temperature water.. No, I didn't
buy the fucking book, I saw her on Dr. Oz.
So heing that I'm
making an attempt to become lovely,
this morning I
got up, brushed my teeth and headed to the kitchen to make coffee. I decided to
heed Cameron's advice. and while I was waiting for the coffee to brew. I
chugged a full liter of freshly filtered water.
I then gathered together my morning pills, which are primarily a Prozac,
a generic aspirin, a couple of amino acids, and my blood pressure meds, one of
which is a diuretic. I followed this
with about 24oz of strong black coffee and then set off on my the errands,
which today consisted of visiting several Safeway stores to take advantage of a
1 Day Sale on Seattle's Best coffee, for which my husband had already printed
out coupons worth a $2.00 redemption, or as we here in MouTown, and most areas
where we shop; "Tu Dallah Auff"
I was assigned to
purchase 80 bags of coffee, so of course I expected to go to more than one
As a result of my
foray, I have been able to compile a map of the exact location of the men's
restrooms in every Safeway stores as far south of Twin Peaks as Daly City, and as far northwest as the far
At the Westlake
Village location I actually peed twice at the Safeway, once at Cost Plus and
once at Home Depot, just in case a hot construction worked may have needed help
with a stuck zipper.
Thanks to the modern conveniences of GPS and my gal Cortana, I've to parts of
San Francisco that I heretofore had no clue existed. Did you know we have an
ocean and a beach?
It turns out that we actually have an Ocean, there's even an area called Ocean
Beach and the Safeway is located on La Playa Street. Don't get me wrong, this Ocean Beach area was
not Acapulco, Varadero or Candado. In
fact, I think the "La Playa" street name was a bit of bait and switch
as I only heard Chinese being spoken, and Cantonese at that.
Oh, and as for the
ocean and beach, the color of the water and the texture of the sand is
reminiscent of the Lake Erie shoreline, but with waves. And if I'm to believe
the warning signs, there are also something called "riptides" and
Anyway, I scored 37 bags of Seattle's Best for three-bucks a bag, and I do so
with a sense of urgency that I no longer considered myself capable of.