Balls? I really gotta get a pair.
If anybody happens upon a DYI tutorial for testicular implants, please let me know. I have got to get some fuckin balls. As I've said before, mine have been decimated and atrophied by a decade of steroid abuse. I thought it was bad when they had shriveled to the size of raisins, but now I can't find them at all. It's reached the point where my doctor cups his own junk when he asks me to cough.
Now, the consequences of this condition are primarily social and aesthetic. It has had no impact on my ability to achieve or maintain an erection, thus it has not hindered my sexual performance. But, it's quite obvious that an increasing number of my sexual partners seem to be somewhat confounded and confused. I can feel them rummaging about down there as though they're on a scavenger hunt for a truffle or noodling for catfish. Their determination coupled with their sense of decorum is actually somewhat touching. I've yet to have anyone just bluntly ask; "Dude, where in the fuck are your balls? I can't find your balls."
This says to me that my prurient playmates are far more evolved in matters demanding tact and diplomacy than I myself. I'd not only boldly and insensitively ask, but expect a thorough explanation. Oh, there is also the fact that it's getting more and more difficult for me to support a cock ring. Anything steel or rigid just slips off and rolls down my leg. I've had to resort to ponytail holders from the Goody aisle at Walgreens. I like to pretend that the ones with balls offer a bit of texture and dimension, not to mention a playful touch of color.
I don't see why I can't just cut a couple of slits in the old ball sack and insert a pair of small rubber Super Balls that I've purchased from a bubble gum machine. Maybe even drop in a couple of those large marbles, perhaps even three or four as a fun conversation starter. Is there a dividing membrane within the scrotum that prevents things from clanging together? You know, sort of like inter-scrotal bubble wrap?
I checked into having silicon testicles professionally installed by a plastic surgeon, but the cost is outrageous, upwards of ten grand, depending on size. Hell, for ten grand I could afford new veneers for all my front teeth. While I'm totally opposed to the old bait and switch, certainly a shining smile would at least get them in the door to eventually realize that I'm serving all meat and no potatoes.