Posted on 9/20/2014 by Daddy Will in folsom st folsom street folsom street fair kink erotic PrEP truvada truvada fair fetish bd/sm

Give me one more chance at the midway Let me laugh and be gay as a clown Give me back the world I remember One more ride on the merry go round

I'm feeling incredibly introspective and overwhelmed with emotion(s) this morning.    Not at all in a negative manner, quite the contrary. Even though my reflections are touched by the poignant sadness of loss, my preeminent thoughts and reigning emotions are based in steadfast optimism.

I think some of it may have to do with the Folsom Street Fair.  Not the actual Fair itself.  Hell, I haven't gone in years, and I highly doubt I'll go tomorrow.  It's not that my attitude is one of; "been there, done that." Not at all, I'm simply lazy and lack motivation. By the time my husband and I arise at the crack of noon, then lay there, individually pretending that we are still asleep in hopes that the other will get up and make coffee, it's 2pm before you know it. When at last caffeine withdrawal provokes one of us to surrender and acquiesce and make a pot of java, we still have to drink it.  Soon it's 3pm and we're both so exhausted from inertia that a nap seems in order. By the time we've entertained the thought of going, we acknowledge that parking situation will be tedious at best.(don't even suggest public transportation) We'll further convince ourselves that neither of us has any business parading about shirtless, unless we're seeking signatures for Greenpeace, or seeking donations for gastric bypass surgery.                 

No, I honestly think that a lot of it for me personally has to do with experiencing so many years of darkness. So many years of feeling that other than celebrating the fact that I was alive and healthy today, the loss of the past and apprehension regarding the future just left me feeling as though I was going through the motions.  I can see so clearly now how I just ceased to participate in so many aspects of my own life.

With the advent and growing acceptance and popularity of PrEP, I'm allowing myself to feel a sense of optimism and hope on a level that I had denied myself for many years.  Not that I wasn't optimistic about most aspects of my life, not at all. I've been happy as a hog in slop for years. In the grand scheme of things, I truly have it all. I have fairly good health, an amazing husband, and I live comfortably in San Francisco, a city that many people only dream of visiting.

No, this is an optimism about the freedom to love again.  I know what you're thinking, that it's not really about love at all, but just lust.  Well, I beg to differ.  I've never stopped loving,  but my love has always been somewhat stifled. I could love, but I found it difficult to truly embrace, not only physically, but emotionally as well, possibly even more so. Not only with individuals, but with my community as a whole.  No matter how bright your outlook, I don't know that it's possible to experience an era of such profound loss and not have some trepidation about investing in the future. 

My own life experience and expectations made even a financial 401K seem like a somewhat cavalier and wishful investment. The thought of investing too much emotionally certainly seemed frivolous at times, even if it not on a conscious level.

Don't get me wrong, medical science has brought great relief and hope over the past decade. It has been pure joy to see friends thrive and live healthy lives. Hell, many old acquaintances that seemed ready to take their leave twenty-five years ago, are now in fact coping with the common health problems wrought by simply getting older.  As twisted as it may sound, I'm sure that there are many that never thought they'd live long enough to enjoy the luxury of a prostate exam or colonoscopy.

Pardon me for being pedantic, but I don't want to be misunderstood.  I'm not going to say that I'm glad that people are facing reality in choosing PrEP, reality being relative to the individual. What I wish to say is that I find it encouraging and admirable that so many men are stepping up and taking responsibility by "choosing to create their own reality." Being a proactive participant in their own destiny. Not to mention being on the frontline of not only leveling the playing field and helping to erase the stigma and the socio-sexual chasm of sero-status, this providing the opportunity to build upon a new foundation of solidarity. But, I also feel that their efforts will lead to better understanding, better treatment, and even a possible cure for HIV in the future.

So, for you Truvada Whores out there.  Thank you for having the balls to step forward as pioneers of the future, not to mention paying an homage to the past and those fallen by HIV.

I can close my eyes and picture many hundreds if not thousands of faces, faces of men that I knew personally. Damn, I bet any one of them would have welcomed the opportunity to have been called a Truvada Whore.

Maybe I'll get my ass out of bed and go to the fair. It's time to have get out there and embrace life in all of its glorious forms.

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