Give me one more chance at the midway
Let me laugh and be gay as a clown
Give me back the world I remember
One more ride on the merry go round
incredibly introspective and overwhelmed with emotion(s) this morning. Not at all in a negative manner, quite the
contrary. Even though my reflections are touched by the poignant sadness of
loss, my preeminent thoughts and reigning emotions are based in steadfast
I think some of it
may have to do with the Folsom Street Fair.
Not the actual Fair itself.
Hell, I haven't gone in years, and I highly doubt I'll go tomorrow. It's not that my attitude is one of;
"been there, done that." Not at all, I'm simply lazy and lack
motivation. By the time my husband and I arise at the crack of noon, then lay
there, individually pretending that we are still asleep in hopes that the other
will get up and make coffee, it's 2pm before you know it. When at last caffeine
withdrawal provokes one of us to surrender and acquiesce and make a pot of
java, we still have to drink it. Soon
it's 3pm and we're both so exhausted from inertia that a nap seems in order. By
the time we've entertained the thought of going, we acknowledge that parking
situation will be tedious at best.(don't even suggest public transportation)
We'll further convince ourselves that neither of us has any business parading
about shirtless, unless we're seeking signatures for Greenpeace, or seeking
donations for gastric bypass surgery.
No, I honestly think that a lot of it for me personally has to do with
experiencing so many years of darkness. So many years of feeling that other
than celebrating the fact that I was alive and healthy today, the loss of the
past and apprehension regarding the future just left me feeling
as though I was going through the motions.
I can see so clearly now how I just ceased to participate in so many
aspects of my own life.
With the advent and
growing acceptance and popularity of PrEP, I'm allowing myself to feel a sense
of optimism and hope on a level that I had denied myself for many years. Not that I wasn't optimistic about most aspects
of my life, not at all. I've been happy as a hog in slop for years. In the
grand scheme of things, I truly have it all. I have fairly good health, an
amazing husband, and I live comfortably in San Francisco, a city that many
people only dream of visiting.
No, this is an
optimism about the freedom to love again.
I know what you're thinking, that it's not really about love at all, but
just lust. Well, I beg to differ. I've never stopped loving, but my love has always been somewhat stifled.
I could love, but I found it difficult to truly embrace, not only physically,
but emotionally as well, possibly even more so. Not only with individuals, but with
my community as a whole. No matter how
bright your outlook, I don't know that it's possible to experience an era of
such profound loss and not have some trepidation about investing in the
My own life
experience and expectations made even a financial 401K seem like a somewhat
cavalier and wishful investment. The thought of investing too much emotionally
certainly seemed frivolous at times, even if it not on a conscious level.
Don't get me wrong, medical science has brought great relief and hope over the
past decade. It has been pure joy to see friends thrive and live healthy lives.
Hell, many old acquaintances that seemed ready to take their leave twenty-five
years ago, are now in fact coping with the common health problems wrought by
simply getting older. As twisted as it
may sound, I'm sure that there are many that never thought they'd live long
enough to enjoy the luxury of a prostate exam or colonoscopy.
Pardon me for being pedantic, but I don't want to be misunderstood. I'm not going to say that I'm glad that
people are facing reality in choosing PrEP, reality being relative to the individual. What I wish to say is that I find it encouraging and
admirable that so many men are stepping up and taking responsibility by
"choosing to create their own reality." Being a proactive participant in their
own destiny. Not to mention being on the frontline of not only leveling the
playing field and helping to erase the stigma and the socio-sexual chasm of
sero-status, this providing the opportunity to build upon a new foundation of
solidarity. But, I also feel that their efforts will lead to better
understanding, better treatment, and even a possible cure for HIV in the
So, for you Truvada Whores out there.
Thank you for having the balls to step forward as pioneers of the
future, not to mention paying an homage to the past and those fallen by HIV.
I can close my eyes and picture many hundreds if not thousands of faces, faces
of men that I knew personally. Damn, I bet any one of them would have welcomed
the opportunity to have been called a Truvada Whore.
Maybe I'll get my ass out of bed and go to the fair. It's time to have get out
there and embrace life in all of its glorious forms.